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I am a dedicated reader of http://www.sheilacallaghan.com/blog/, which is written by playwright Sheila Callaghan (who is also a fantastic vocalist, a la Patti Smith). She is thoughtful, candid, emotionally connected, vernacular, wry, and unpretentious. Read her blog, you'll live longer.

Recently she was writing of her work and I prompted her for more information. What follows is the exchange, verbatim, for your consideration. I believe it to be worth your while.

Sheila wrote:

shop talk

From yesterday's comments:

"I'm interested in your feelings about being a working writer, a public Artist. I'm not looking for specifics (or tips or anything), just some perspective on what it is like to look in the mirror and see yourself. Is it a good feeling to have your Art taken seriously?"

Hm. Well, I'll say this, it's better to have something well-received than not... but I can't say I ever feel satisfied. No matter how much of a froth I work myself into over this writing thing, I cannot stop myself from looking around me at the things other people have; friends who get LORT shows when I can't, friends who get into schools I got rejected from, friends who are snatching up all the grants I apply for, non-friends who have ridiculous luck with un-inspired work... I understand intellectually that I am doing very well as far as these things go, but I suppose that low-grade sense of failure never fully goes away, no matter what good fortune befalls my work.

So when something art-wise in my life is going well, rather than feeling like "FINALLY!!", all I can manage is a sense of relief that I haven't been set back. Naturally this appeals to me on some level, as my personality is the type that thrives against opposition (imagined or otherwise), but it is also exhausting and very often demoralizing. I picture this path I've chosen as completely overgrown and unruly, and the small successes are little clearings on the path where I can walk freely for a few yards. But the dead brush always consumes it once again.

At the same time, I feel pretty goddamn fortunate that I get to do this with my life. Especially when my collaborators are as gifted and generous as the ones on my current show. I think that's ultimately what keeps me from leaping into traffic. "Success" in this biz is quite arbitrary, so when the people on a project inspire me AND the project is well-received, it's like finding a golden ticket. I walk around in a daze with a mantra in my head: "luckyluckyluckylucky..."

I am very deeply moved by this art form, and when it is blessed it feels like a spiritual ideal. But when it is cursed it is hell.

Hope that answers your question...

First, to Sheila (and any other Artist that reads this blog), Thank you so much for your blog, which I get to read for free. It is a delight, like a chocolate-covered pretzel.

I am an Artist, but only because I hold myself as one. I don't get paid to do it (I was a paid writer once, but now I'm a homemaker). Really, I'm an Artist's Audience. I am an avid consumer of Art, and I am an active participant in the process of public Art. I pursue Artists and attempt to engage them in conversations about their Art. I refuse to be snarky, instead, I yearn to praise Artists, to thank them for feeding me, nourishing me, thrilling me soulfully. Sheila, this blog entry was gorgeous, wonderful for me. Thank you for it.

My current primary Art is Painting. Specifically, I paint in the style of The New York School (who are now mislabeled as Abstract Expressionists). 99% of the less-than-30 people who view my paintings feel like they have wasted their time (or who love me so much that they view them solely because I ask them to). This is something that weighs on my mind. I want to contribute to culture, and I want people to get it. I want to say "Hey, this is what I feel" and have the viewer say "Yeah, I get where you are coming from." No need to agree with me, but at least validate my feelings. So when I show my work to someone and they say "Meh", it bugs me. I wish it didn't, because it colors my subsequent work, although it currently makes my work better, so there's the double-edged sword.

Holy crap, a comment shouldn't be longer than the original post. I'm in violation of some natural law and because of my action, a butterfly in Japan is going to be swayed off course and not alight upon an adorable little girl's nose. Sigh.